Blogpost 9: Personality: Defined by Birth Order?

In my most recent post, entitled “A Happy Family: Defined by its Size?” I have briefly discussed about number as an aspect in a family. Talking about family, do you think our birth order defines what kind of person you will be? That is what I’m going to talk about in this post.

Watching the film “Four Sisters and a Wedding”, a Filipino comedy-drama film released in the Philippines on June 26, 2013, and internationally on July 5, 2013, made me cry. I am not easily carried by the emotions showed in a film, particularly if it is a drama film, but this one is totally different from the others I have watched before. Maybe it is because I can relate so much in the story, especially with the characters of the second and third children in the family. For me, this film is a very family-oriented one. Showcased in here are the different personalities of each child in a home, which actually occurs in real life. Through watching this movie, a sentiment has been produced in my mind that is—every child is unique; every child carries diverse personality from others. 

Whenever I got scolded by my parents, I feel so alone and depressed. Really, I don’t know why they get mad at me easily whenever I did something wrong. But when it comes to my siblings, even though they have committed bigger mistakes than I do, it seems to be fine with them. My parents are bias, I thought. I keep on asking myself ever since, “Am I adopted?” and “Am I not a part of this family?” Until now, I still crave for the answer. One more thing I noticed within our household, that is, my parents treat us, their children differently. I’m not certain about it, but that is how I perceived it. By the way, I’m the second child of three in our family. I’m a middle child.

Does birth order affect one's personality? Does it depend on which birth order you are born? There is an article entitled “Does birth order affect personality?” written by Amy Vowles. In this article, it is showed how the birth order affects personality. It is stated there that according to Psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, “your position in your family has tremendous impact on who you are, who you marry, and even what career you choose. Because the family dynamic changes with the addition of each new member, every child is essentially born into a different version of the same family. Your personality and behavior are determined by the unique interaction that takes place between parent and child and among siblings.”

Based on Leman’s statement, our birth order greatly affects us as a person in almost all matter. The personality and behavior of a child depends on how his/her parents treat them or interact with them as well as the relationship between siblings. Whether you are first born, middle, or last born child in a family matters.

The eldest child or the first born child in the family is treated special. Among siblings, the first born has the longest time of being with their parents, consequently, a bond between parents and this offspring has already been built.  First time parents want everything to be perfect for their first born. They want all the opportunity to be experienced by their child. Every achievement of this child is always appreciated and praised. Therefore, first born children are labeled as the “Achievers”.

Well, it can actually be seen in our home. My sister, being the eldest child, gets whatever she wants sooner. In fact, all achievements she gained were highly appreciated by our parents. While me, on the other hand, being the middle child, experiences the total opposite my sister does.

Middle children are said to be the total opposite of the first born. Dr. Leman stated, “The first two kids in any family are night-and-day different”. Since these two children are considered as the opposite of each other, they differ in many things. If the first born is academically good, then the middle child is athletic. Though, at times, middle children feel unloved and deserted, they act as the family’s peacekeeper or negotiator between the his siblings, whenever a small fight is going on. The first born might be the “achievers”, but the middle children are the sociable, people with great interpersonal skill.

What causes a family to be happy? It’s the youngest children who caused this. They are they jokers and comedians of the family. Last born children tend to be more relaxed and free from big responsibilities. Since, this child was born last, he is sure to grow up with more experienced parents, making him extrovert and artistic. Also, these last-born children choose a different career or path from their older siblings to get away from competing among the siblings. An example of this is my younger brother. He is not afraid to experiment on things and is really adventurous. Well I can say, he is worry-free individual because all his responsibilities, is done by us.

For those who are “only child”, they are considered as first-born child. Of course, literally, you are the first offspring to be born. Since they don’t have siblings to be with, they feel like outcasts. These “only child” people feels that they are very much distant from others. As a result, the only child acts mature and standoffish.

What I can say about that article is that, those situations mentioned basically apply to many families, wherein the elder children tends to be the most responsible, and the youngest are the “worry-free” people. On the other hand, these “only child” individuals seemed to be far away from the real life. They do not and will not experience being in a little chaos with a sibling. As an outcome, only children tend to be more serious and mature and distant. However, there is the middle child, who seems to be mysterious among the siblings. The middle child is the “left-behind” of all. He is the one who’s not showered with attention and commends, but is playing a major role in the family, keeping everyone calm.

Another article I have read entitled “Birth Order and Personality” by Jocelyn Voo from American Baby.  According to that article, a couple having their first-born child is in experimental stage wherein they are very careful in everything, every details regarding their first born baby. 

“Simply by virtue of being a couple's first child, a firstborn will naturally be a sort of experiment for the new parents, a mixture of instinct and trial-and-error. Perhaps this will cause the parents to become by-the-book caregivers who are extremely attentive, stringent with rules, and overly neurotic about the minutiae. This in turn may cause the child to become a perfectionist, always striving to please his parents.” Leman added. 

In accordance to the article, being an “achiever” or “perfectionist” of the first born did not develop due to birth order, but rather, it develops based on how his parents treated and interact with him. That merely builds his personality. 

On the contrary, having a second child to couple means an easier one because they have already gained knowledge and experiences with their first born. Parents became less attentive to their second child. This experience of the second-born child makes him less perfectionist than that of the first-born sibling. They turned out to please others or to look pleasing to others due to less attention given to him by their parents.

Basically, the personality – behavior and attitude – of an individual cannot be perceived through his/ her birth order. Whether we are born as first, middle, last or even “only child” matters somehow. It might make you a bit terrified about the significance of your birth order with regards to your personality and success, but it is not the real reason behind it. Your birth order will not determine your personality or your success. What matters the most is the parenting style used by your parents. For parents, is your parenting style effective enough to be able to treat your children similarly and equally? Birth order simply determines your order as a child in a family. It is simply a number! Therefore, it cannot totally predict what personality you are going to have. 

Blogpost 8: A Happy Family: Defined by its Size?

Tito Ben, Tito Alfredo, Tito Vicente, Tito Ricardo, Tita Billa, Tita Dulce, Tita Jocelyn, Tito Armando, Tito Ronilo, and my father, is ninth among siblings of ten. In my mother’s side, they are also composing a big family. They are six siblings, all girls, namely: Tita Jocelyn, Mama Jenny (my mom), Tita Emma, Tita Norma, Tita Rose, and Tita Nora. Both of my parents came from a quite big family, aren’t they? Well, having five, ten, a dozen or more children is a norm in the society way back to the old times here in the Philippines. I think it has been a tradition in our country already because, we Filipinos, believe in the saying, “The more, the merrier”. Basically, it means, the more the people there is, the happier we become or simply, the more we have of a certain thing, makes us happier.

But does the number of the family member or the family size affects how happy the family is? If the family is composed only of five members, does that mean that they can’t be happy, can they be? Does having a big family make it a keynote to achieve family fulfillment?

In my past posts, we've discussed about the number, specifically age as a factor in life of an individual. We also have talked about the age as a factor in a couple’s relationship, and now, I will tackle about the number as the size of the family and how it affects the happiness of the family.

There is an article entitled, “For Happiness, Seek Family, Not Fortune” by Salynn Boyles, WebMD Health News. It is stated in that article that a good family relationships produce major happiness compared to the happiness high income can offer. According to the article, a study was conducted to determine whether money or family relationships made a family more contented and happier. It was also stated accordingly that a strong family connection turned out to be the better happiness predictor than that of the income or money. Rich families might say that they can buy anything, even happiness. But that’s not true. Having a good family tie is priceless and cannot be bought by money. It has to be worked on with. 

"Much of the research on money and happiness has shown a strong association up to the point where basic needs are met, and that is what we found," Rebecca J. North, researcher from the University of Texas at Austin. "But after this point income has a diminishing impact on happiness. While happiness was strongly tied to changes in the quality of family relationships over time, it was much less strongly tied to changes in income. "

For me, having a good relationship with the family is much more important. But let’s admit that money plays a role also. Without money, the parents won’t be able to provide the needs of each member. And at times, money has been one of the reasons for a rift within the family to happen, resulting into an unhealthy family relationship. One more thing is true; the bigger the family, the more money is needed.

In that case, what would you prefer, a bigger family or a smaller family? Well, nowadays, small families are the ideal. However, in the article “The truth about big families” by Clare Horsfall, having a big family is so much fun. There are more people, there are more laugh. Another thing is parents of big families appreciate small things about life. I think the greatest advantage of having a big family is that when the parents grow old, there are a lot of people who will take care of them. As for the children’s side, they are many to help in solving whatever problem is there to be faced, that is the essence of having siblings. 

Horsfall said, “Expenses may grow, but so does the love. Of course children become more expensive as they get older and parents have to make sacrifices. A mother of a big family might not spend her days getting a manicure and shopping the credit card away – but wouldn’t you trade all these things for a beautiful new person?” This means family is more important than any luxurious things. These lavish things are just nothing and less important compared to a family member.

So as Horsfall said, I also value much my family than any other things. I am not from a rich family, but our family is rich with love. Of course, misunderstandings are unavoidable, but we can overcome those chaos. 

Being engaged in either big or small families is indeed a good thing. You can be happy whatever family size you are into. What matters is how you, members of the family, drive your own family even though the family is defined differently nowadays. The happiness of a family is immeasurable by money. Worldly stuff has nothing big to do with a happy family, though at some point, it did. What makes a family happy and contented? Have communication. Each member of family needs to be loved and understood, thus having a communication within your own family. Also, have a valuable time to be spent with the family. Being together for at most times makes the members of the family more bonded and close. When making some decision regarding family matters, each member should play a role. Each one’s sentiment should be considered, that is the essence of being a part of family. One more thing that has to be considered that is—acceptance. In a family, everyone is unique, everyone carries diverse personality. Hence, the acceptance and respect gained in each member is very significant. A happy family understands the differences of each member and the imperfections of each. The family size simply determines whether a family is big or small, but it actually doesn’t have to do with the happiness and contentment within the family. Happiness and contentment are not distinguish by the number of family members but are defined by the good relationship they are sharing.

Blogpost 7: Life Begins at 40

In connection with my previous post, wherein I talked about aging, in this post I will tackle about the question “when will we feel the real essence of life?” Previously, I have said that growing old cannot be avoided, and so does aging. But here’s good news, they say, life begins at 40.

Have you seen an old woman wearing makeup and is in high heels? Or an old man in a teen-like outfit? They are so amazing! Imagine, even if they are already old, they still managed to dress that way? When I got old, I will still carry my fashion taste. Yes, I’ll make sure that I’ll be looking young when that time comes. Anyway, oldies nowadays are not left behind. Of course, they are “techie” like us. They do cope with the latest fashion trends. That is what a Forty-year-old individual nowadays look like. 

There is an article entitled “Life begins at forty - and don't you forget it” by Nicole Martin. According to this article, the fourth decade indication is the beginning of the end. Hence, the life of a person starts at its fourth decade of existence. It is greatly affirmed in this article that people at age around 40 and onwards is experiencing absentmindedness, lack of attentiveness and deprived focus. 

According to Prof Keith Wesnes, from Cognitive Drug Research Ltd, a private research company in Reading, people aged between 40 and 50 were 15 per cent slower at completing simple computerized tasks than those in their twenties. Thus, people at 40 declined in working physically but not mentally. They just slowed down doing things, but they are still accurate.

"People in their forties clearly get worse at remembering, recalling and recognizing things. This can be very embarrassing when someone walks into a busy room and can't remember people's names. At this age you can't concentrate as well, and you can't focus and ignore distractions to the same extent that you used to." Wesnes said in a statement. 

It is also affirmed in the article that it is understood that as people get older their brain cells lose some of their ability to communicate with each other via chemicals called neurotransmitters. Dr James Semple, a brain specialist at Addenbrooke's Hospital in Cambridge, said that with age came experience, and a series of defense mechanisms. This is not something you should be alarmed because it is normal. 

Another article entitled, “Life really CAN begin at 40 - but only if you cut back on the booze and join the gym” by a Daily Mail Reporter. Based on this article, the saying life begins at 40 is true. For those who are practicing a healthy lifestyle. If you don’t smoke, you don’t drink too much alcohol, practice a healthy diet and exercise, it means you are living a healthy lifestyle. Hence, it will lead you to a life begins at 40.

However, Dr Siverine Sabia, study leader from the University College London, added: “Our study shows the cumulative impact of healthy behaviours on successful ageing - the greater the number of healthy behaviours, the greater the benefit.” Those oldies that are practicing a healthy lifestyle had the opportunity to enjoy their old age unlike the others who do not.

It only means that those people who are disease-free, have the rest of their lives to enjoy and feel the essence of life. Meanwhile, those who smoke and drink alcohol a lot, and lazy to have an exercise, they are the ones who will suffer when the time comes.

Personally, I understood it as our life begins at 40 since by that age, we are definitely financially stable, happy with our family, and it’s our time to enjoy our rest of our lives I think. I guess, when I get at that age, I would probably be retired already. Of course, by that time, I think I’m already a stable person. I noticed, some of our family friends, after they have given their children education, they retired from their works and now they are just enjoying their lives. That is what I want to give my parents as well. Well, each one of us, when we get old, all we want to do is just to enjoy life, right? So, if you’re living a stressful life by now, worry not because when you turn at your 40, your life begins!

Blogpost 6: Growing Old is Mandatory

In previous posts, I have already discussed about the number in the aspect of love, which is age, wherein two people are considered. In this post, I will be continuing to talk about age but age as a factor of another aspect of life as a factor of one’s life.

“Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional” – Chili Davis. A friend sent me this quote early in the morning, just this weekend. And I immediately thought I am afraid to get old. I don’t want to see my skin sag, lose a tooth, and be a gray-haired old man. I’d rather die early, as long as I won’t see myself in that condition. But as I analyze this quotation, I came up with a conclusion. I told myself, “no matter how will I look, for as long as I have a youthful heart and mind, I would still be young, maybe not physically but emotionally”. Well, we can’t stop ageing, every year; one count is added to our age. And that’s basically it, when we stop ageing, then it means, we are already dead. But getting mature is completely a different thing.

How about you? Are you afraid to be getting old like me? If so, then most probably, you are under the condition which we call the Gerascophobia – the fear of getting old. People suffering from this condition are very stressed when aging or age is being talked about.

There is an article by Trevor Johnson entitled, “The Secret Causes of Gerascophobia Or Fear of Growing Old”. According to this article, though getting old is a common thing to all of us, there are still people who are afraid to get old. That’s strange, right? The fact that we are all is going to get old and eventually die. Also, Johnson stated that there are two possible reasons responsible for acquiring this fear.

Johnson said, “There could be two reasons for this fear. All the reasons are based from anxieties. One is the anxiety of being left alone. The next reason that people who has gerascophobia is lack of resources.”

The first reason, which is the anxiety of being left alone, is commonly happening to old people who are brought to nursing houses or home for the aged. Definitely, these people got depressed knowing the fact that they are not with their family anymore. Thus, people who are aware of that situation may feel that they’re going to experience the same thing and all of a sudden, they will develop that fear. 

The second reason came up to be a reason of being lack in resources. Basically, as you aged, the weaker you become. And so, you will not be able to work for yourself and your family as well, when you are weak. Thinking of being unable to support yourself and family needs, may have caused you this phobia. A common problem to most people is their pride. Having their pride as high as a mountain, may become one reason of acquiring this phobia. Because of that pride, even if the person’s already old, and unable to take care of him/herself anymore, means to them as other people’s burden, which adds up to the cause of having Gerascophobia.

Well, those reasons are perfectly true! The first one, the truth that we are distant from our families is really hard to accept. More so, if we are already old and less capable of getting back home. As a result, people who see this kind of situation may develop the fear of getting old. Yes, it may develop through observation, not only when you’re the one who’s left. On the other hand, the second reason is the greatest nightmare of the rich people – the lacking of resources. It is obvious that as we get older, our body loses its strength and became weak. As a result, we may not be able to work for ourselves and for our families. That’s a terrible thing to accept.

Another article entitled, “Old Age, Wrinkles & The Earlybird Special: Are You Afraid Of Aging?” by Gala Darling. In her article, she stated that all of us will get into aging, and it doesn’t matter! What matters is how we feel about it. Some might feel irritated knowing that they’re getting old, simply by the presence of a gray hair, crow’s feet in the eye, and saggy skin. But some are excited of getting old. They are excited what they will look like when they reach their “grandma/pa” looks. 

Darling added, “A lot of us have denial about aging. Subconsciously, we think, that will never happen to me! But alas, one day, we realize it already has! We may not feel any older on the inside, but our outsides tell a different story.”

I am totally against Darling’s statement, saying that people are excited to see their future look as an old individual. That thing seemed to be terrifying for me! But a sentiment has got into me. I realized that it is not that bad to see myself with a gray hair and a saggy skin. In fact, that was exciting! I learned that it getting old isn’t bad anyway. The more years we stay alive, the more years we live our lives!

As what the quotation is saying, growing old is mandatory, which we can’t do something to stop it, because if it happens, then we are dead. Likewise, we can’t force the earth to stop revolving, ‘cause if we do, we’ll all die. But growing up is optional, which basically means, it is up to us whether we want to act our age or act as if we are teen-agers, who’re carefree, wild, and stress-free, even though we are not. And that is a bright side!

Age is not a measurement of how people deal with everything, such as pursuing our dreams. Feeling good is one way to look good. And if you look good, you feel at ease, merely saying that age do not dictates how we feel.

Being mature is important more so if they have big responsibilities to shoulder. Being a good person, in whatever situation is on; helping other people, being open-minded and responsible for everything we do is a sign of maturity. Being a mature person does not necessarily mean you are a serious type of person. We should take responsibility in every action, feelings and interests we have. That is how a mature person acts.

As I keep on analyzing the quotation sent to me by my friend, I finally realized that I should not wish for my death at an early age, whereas, I haven’t seen how will I look three to four decades from now. Instead, I should pray for a longer life so that I’ll be able to see my future children as they grow old and up, my grandchildren, and paramount, regardless of how I look, how sagged my skin is, how white my hair is, but to be able to live my life to the fullest!